Sensory+Writing

The Forest Front Tears Amusement park! Tess Fox

People were screaming on the tallest ride in the park. Sally had just walked into The Forest Front Tears Amusement park with her family. She could hear the sound of the roller coasters whipping around on the tracks. She could smell the delicious smell of the nachos that the people had that were waiting in line in front of her. She was getting ready to go on the fastest, highest and the most thrilling ride of all times called The Phantoms revenge.

Sally and her brother finally got to the front of the line and were getting in the sticky seat with her brother. Sally’s stomach had butterflies but, she really wanted to go on this ride. She was going to be the first one in her class at school to go on it. She couldn’t wait. The train started moving, her brothers hands started to sweat. They were going up the first hill. They were almost at the top and then before you knew what was going to happen, the ride stopped. It was supposed to do that; they could hear the people on the ride screaming to move. Finally, it did but, they didn’t know it. And before you knew you were already at the end. To them it seemed so quick because the roller coaster flung you around and it whipped you around. When they got off they wanted to go again and again. They went like three times before they were tired.

When Sally and her family walked around the park she could hear people screaming on the rides and the all types music playing all around. By lunch time it was hot, crowed and everyone was sweaty from the morning. They walked into the nice cold air-conditioned restaurant where it was cold inside. The food there was delicious and they wanted to go back and ride some rides. They walked out of the nice air-conditioned restaurant into the blazing hot sun.

When they walked out they could feel the hot sun again instead of the nice cold air-conditioning. They were heading for the exit to the park because it was time for them to go home. They were all tired and they have been there for eight hours. On the way they could smell the wonderful smell of hot dogs, popcorn and more. Even though they just ate Sally couldn’t stand the smell of those nachos that a teenage girl was selling. She ran over to the girl and bought herself a large nacho. She and her brother shared the nachos. They couldn’t eat anymore after they ate the nachos.

When they were in their car going home they talked about what they liked most about the park and what was their favorite ride.. The Phantoms revenge was Sally's favorite ride. She had going on like all the rides in the park. There were like 100 different rides. The next Monday she went to school telling her whole class about what a great ride is was and that they should all go to The Forest Front Tears Amusement Park and ride The Phantoms revenge

Nice job, Tess. Your description of the roller coaster ride was done quite well. I actually think you could have perhaps focused even more on the details of that ride in this piece. What did ther ride look like, sound like, feel like? Try to focus on specifics and keep your topic small. That will allow you to really focus on the details. 18/24

Intro: 5 Verbs: 4 Details: 5 Sentence Starters: 4